Please don’t ask me

“So, when are you going to have another one?”

“Where are you going for your next holiday?”

My heart sinks when I hear either of these questions, and their various iterations. I muster up a smile, and answer either vaguely or bluntly, depending on how tactful I feel that day. I am hearing these questions more and more, and liking them less and less.

The first is fairly easy to understand, and plenty of women get it and dislike it. I do want to ask it myself sometimes, because I’m curious about how many children people want to have, what goes into the decision process and whether their thoughts have changed since having the first child. The problem is that what people may plan or want, and what actually happens can be quite different things. If there is any conflict, or heartache, or difficulties occurring in making the “want” become reality, this question can be upsetting, depressing or just plain awkward. On a good day, I will answer vaguely “Oh, well, we’d like another but just have to wait and see”. On other days I will answer more bluntly, “Well, we just have to get one that sticks” which always results in silence and awkward shuffling of feet. But sometimes, I just don’t want to answer at all. Because we do want a second child. Really, really want one. Everything has been planned for having two children. We just finished extending our house so that Sibling can have a bedroom. I grew up an only child and never wanted that for my child. I want to go through it all again and when I think of the possibility that we may just have the one, a great big hole opens up inside me and wails “Noooooooooooo.” Some days, I don’t want to go through that mental trip of “How do I answer this. Yes we really want another but what if we can’t have one. I’m really wondering now – two years, two miscarriages, maybe it’s just not going to happen and so what then, what do we do with the whole extra room built just for the wanted-bub, and everything we’ve saved and at what point do we admit our family is just 3, no no no no no, I can’t do that, can’t accept that….wait… just smile and give them a fluffy answer” Some days, I want people to find a different question.

The second question is not as emotionally charged, but it’s also not a question that I was really aware of until now. Growing up with a single mum working full-time, there weren’t any family holidays. It wasn’t something that I was aware of, and I am only now realising that regular holidays and family holidays seems to be thing. A thing which we just don’t factor in our lives, except that one day we want to do the trek to Everest base camp and one day we want to take our children to Japan. Our holiday planning is for two main trips, in the distant future. Apart from missing out on two fun-looking trips with extended family this year, I generally feel okay about this because we prioritise other things: we choose to live in the city rather than moving out somewhere cheaper, we choose to live on one income so that I can stay at home, I choose to have a regular house cleaner so I can focus on doing things with Monsieur and cooking and organising. We are also incredibly fortunate to have our parents living in locations which are holiday destinations for others. We can just go down by the beach for a weekend here and there, or up north to my folks place where we can see so many stars at night, and there are all sorts of fun things for Monsieur to do that he never gets in the city. These are our little get-aways; beautiful places with the comfort of family.

Yet when I get asked this question, I feel like we should be going on family holidays regularly. We should be out camping, or travelling or doing something. As if we’re not quite doing it right if we’re not going places during school holidays. We do envision getting out and doing bike trails and going camping in a few years time; we’re just not there yet. It can be so easy with a simple question to compare our lives with others’ and feel inadequate, or that we’re missing out. What we never know is the things that they do without in order to have their holidays. When I look at our lifestyle, I wouldn’t go back to work so that we could go on holidays, I wouldn’t move out of the city and I wouldn’t give up having a cleaner come regularly. These are all things which impact our lives positively, every day and are worth more to me than a one week get-away once or twice a year.