healing

My heart is getting stronger, I can feel it everyday. I know it’s been healing these last 2.5 years, but it just recently I can really feel the progress, imagine it whole again and capable of loving once more.
It started when I could watch movies with any romance and not choke on my pessimistic “as if”s and “just you wait”s.
I knew it was well on its way to healed when my dreams stopped, and then I developed a crush (yes, a crush) on a bartender at Bagus..shortly lived (my crush daydreams always require some level of conversation and no language barrier)
And now I have a total school girl crush on someone. I feel like I’m 16 again. It’s a weird, yet heady feeling. All so innocent and far removed from the hitherto bruised and gaping heart, and getting to know each other after the sex – which there is absolutely nothing wrong with; it is a fantastic way of getting to know people and has been a great way of conecting with people I’ve always wanted to connect with but never known how.
It’s just been that many years since sleeping with someone (I’ve the hots for) was just sleeping, and staying up all night is due purely to talking.
I’m enjoying the feeling. I’m enjoying the angsting over clothes, hairstyle, does he like me too stuff. Do you think my being so upfront and adament about not wanting anything more than play friends might be off-putting? Maybe. But then I do still really want to travel, that is number one priority in my life (a priority he shares, btw). I also really like him but don’t want to mislead. While it’s all very well and fun having a crush, still not sure about much more. Sometimes the fun is in the unfullfilment of something.

But most of all..absolutely most of all is: I love the feeling that I could love again. I love feeling that one day it will happen again, it will be wonderful, and once again it will be worth everything. I love the feeling that next time, I’ll know myself better. I’ll have a better idea of what I want and what I’ll compromise on and what I won’t. I will have a clearer sense of self.

For so long I thought my heart was so broke, that there was no coming back, that there would always just be an empty hole of nothingness where everyone else has the ability to love and to fall in love.
And I love that I can have and enjoy the intensity of these feelings, no matter how 16ish and silly. I love that they’re not muffled by ADs, that I can enjoy them in full.

Yay. I have a heart again 🙂 Give it a little more time and there’ll just be a small, white scar where a hole used to be. Feels good, feels so good.