3rd night and day: Not getting any easier. Last night Master Z did go into the cot without crying – the first time since we started this process. He did have an unhappy expression on his face, almost of defeat. He is sleeping more, but so far only about an hour extra in a 24 hour period. I guess that will add up over time. On night two he cried 3:30-4:30am, slept, then cried 5:30am until 6am when we got him up. Last night he cried for about 15 or 30 minutes around 10pm, then 4:30-5:45am, then slept until 6:45am.
I hate that he cries when we put him in the sleeping bag, and in his cot now. We weren’t having trouble getting him to sleep. He would look so happy when he wanted to sleep and we put him in his sleeping bag, and lay him in his cot. He’d get a snuggled content look, reach for his dummy and happily drift into slumber. I loved it, really loved it. It made me feel like our gentle approach had at least been working in some areas. He was very happy to settle into sleep, just not happy to stay asleep.
It is hard not to feel like we’ve broken the one aspect which was working for us and I grieve its loss. I really really hope that Master Z will regain that sense of comfort from his cot.
I do know that it is, probably, mostly a reaction to the dummy being taken away but still, it seems like such a harsh way. I continue to struggle with it.
The routine, for reference, follows the idea of “allowing the baby the chance to settle themselves” whilst giving guidelines and setting expectations. For day naps, he has to remain in the cot for a minimum one and a half hours and maximum two hours, and have two naps a day. For overnight, he goes to bed at 7pm and is not allowed out of the cot until 6am. The sleep consultant drew a graph showing the pattern of a cry – peaks and lulls, with the lulls gradually extending in length and the peaks gradually diminishing, until a cry peters out. We have to listen to the cry and if it is still at the peak at 3minutes, we go in and lie him back down (if he’s not lying down) and tell him firmly “It’s time for sleep Z. Go to sleep, Z. It’s sleep time”, then leave the room. Even if he stands up immediatly afterwards, we still leave the room so that it doesn’t become a game. Then we wait.
If at the 3minute mark, the cry isn’t peaking quite as high, or he’s in a lull, we wait for 6 more minutes. Then 8, then 10. If he just grizzles, grizzles, grizzles (read: crying which is not exactly peaking), then we wait 20-30 minutes before going in, and then the reason for going in is to tell him what we expect. If he wakes up during a sleep, we wait 5-6 minutes to allow him time to resettle himself before going back in, or starting the timing process.
Man, writing it out makes it seem even harsher than it sounded when she presented it to us.
I was hoping the sleep consultant would go more into deciphering the cries during the night, but basically she told me to stay in bed until she called me out. She called me out twice to go in with her to resettle him and that was about it. When I was standing in the hallway, crying, after the second resettle, she told me it was really hard but I didn’t feel greatly comforted. I gained more comfort from R holding me while I cried.
I’m recording all this in the hope that in a week’s time I will be feeling much better about this, Master Z will be sleeping much better and I’ll be really glad that we did this. If we have to do it again, I think it will help me to have the reminder of how tough it is, if it works out with rainbows and flowers at the end. Or sleep at the very least.
In the meantime, we have got a date for admission to Masada for their five day residential program – August 20. I feel good to have the date set, I really need the knowledge that if I’m still struggling with this whole process at the end of next week (after the completion of the “vital” 10 days), I will be going somewhere with day and nighttime support for the following week. R came home early from work yesterday after I sent him an “emergency chocolate required” SMS, and encouraged us to go out for a run, which helped. The wine and chocolate in the evening and snuggles with my beloved also did much to help. R has been home today, which has been fantastic. Especially as Master Z has a really sore mouth – his dribble rash has gotten out of control and he has been very miserable all day.
Interestingly, we have discovered through this process that the majority of parents we know have also done this (or some version thereof) with their children. Everyone says it is really, really tough and everyone has said that it was worth it in the end. It’s like one of those taboo subjects – no-one talks about it, or admits to doing it until you’ve reached the point of trying yourself. Then people tell you as encouragement that it is okay, that the process basically sucks bollocks but the end result is a rested, happier child and mum.
Tomorrow I’m getting my hair done and I’m so looking forward to a break from the emotional turmoil and sadness that is dogging me this week. I hope they have some very trashy magazines there that I can indulge in for an hour or so!
