If you are viewing this, it is because you are someone I think may be able to help/give suggestions or someone who is far enough removed to not know the situation, or someone I have already discussed this with. This is a locked post.
I am trying to decide what I should do about a certain person here (here in Japan, not here on lj) She is someone who I am not entirely comfortable being around. I don’t gel with her energies at all, and indeed the last time I saw her, I avoided her as much as possible. There would generally be no problem – I would normally just not encourage or pursue a friendship – however she is friends with a lot of people I know and therefore finds out about any social stuff on at mine.
After my last party (which I had not invited her to, but she found out about anyway – I was already not comfortable with her), I had resolved to tell her quietly that I was no longer comfortable with her in my house – as well as not gelling with energies (which seems such an intangible reason) she had also been willing to lie to me about damage down to my tatami floor. I figure that if I really don’t want her coming back in my space, then it’s better to tell her upfront and not share with anyone else around here, after all it is purely between her and me.
But then I had a change of heart and started to wonder if I really do want to deliberately make someone unwelcome at my home. I have an open house policy, but with that comes the assumption that it and I will be respected – and for most part it is. But do I want to deliberately exclude someone? It’s not like she’s seriously offended me or hurt a friend. I’m not keen on having her back in my house, but I haven’t been able to tell her otherwise. I feel I need to make a choice, either welcome her or tell her she’s not welcome.
I imagine you’re wondering why I don’t just let this roll on by and just avoid mentioning anything which might be happening. Normally I would but I’ll be seeing her this weekend and I am just about to send out invites for a party in March. Also, knowing that she’s coming this weekend tells me that she is quite good friends with a couple of people in this prefecture that I get along well with and so will find out about anything I do – given that I usually issue open invites and don’t want to restrict that.
So I’m having a dilemma and I wondered if others have had similar dilemmas, what you’ve done, etc. Is it better to be honest and tell someone I don’t want them in my house, that I’m not comfortable with their energies, or do I sort it out in myself. Part of me says that it’s important to surround yourself with positive energies and where possible avoid negative energies, but that is warring with the part that says I should be compassionate and loving and non-judgemental towards others.
Help!
Lookgin for advice/thoughts/opinions
We went from having an open house to not doing so. After a number of parties where stuff went missing, or stuff got damages (eg kahlua on bookcase) or the ‘troublemakers’ at parties being people we didn’t know or friends of friends. Trouble makers being the total drunks, people that would throw up on stuff, passout and expect us to care, have sex in toilet etc, one party stuff got stolen including money from a number of peoples bags and my guitar.
So we started throwing invite only parties with the invite saying ‘if you want to bring a friend please check with us first’. Pretty much everyone respected that, our parties got smaller but less people were annoying and the people that showed respected our space. Only twice since then have I had to say no to people asking if they can bring certain people. Usually we are cool with other people showing up especially when someone is willing to vouch for them. We usually get a few extra people showing up because someone says can i bring blah.
I felt weird when we stopped being an open house, hell york street had an open door policy, anyone could walk in and often did. But this way I have better parties with people I like and don’t have to worry about stashing the important things before parties or people you don’t like throwing up outside.
There is nothing wrong with an invite saying, if you haven’t got an invite ask first… This way if you are approached you can broach the issue, if not hopefully she will respect your request for invite only and not show. If she does ignore your wishs well, it is time to get tough i think. Its your party, relax and enjoy with the people you want. At other social events – stay polite but slightly stand-offish is what i would do.
Psychobitch is a Palindrome…if you take my meaning.
Compassion bows to self-preservation in this case, I think.
Suffice to say that she has sunk to all-new lows in my book. Aside from lack of respect as a visitor and her “vibe,” she has conspired to lie to my friends, has in fact lied outright to another friend on multiple occasions, has purposefully witheld property of my friends in order to hurt them out of spite (which amounts to theft, in my opinion).
I’ll not hang out or have dealings with her by choice ever again if I can help it–for my own protection! She could do any of this stuff or worse to me, too! I don’t hold with immature flakes, liars and theives, and certainly not with individuals who are all of these things and possibly worse.
Check your email for more on this. I don’t feel comfortable posting some of what I think about this individual, even on a locked post.
Don’t feel guilty about inviting a person out of your house or personal space in general – honesty is the best policy, provided it’s tempered with tact.
The only time I find myself thinking negatively about people when they may or may not deserve it, is when I see something in them that I dislike in myself. If that’s not the case with this person, then she probably is a psycho bitch as said.
Being open and friendly is a wonderful thing, but it takes two to tango.
Had this delicate situation myself. Said person has been formally banned from ever stepping foot in another’s house, despite the occupants formerly being very close to her. I have had to have plenty of discussions with said person over the years, steadily more strident, that she is not to touch me or skew my aura. We have only now reached a point where I don’t feel stuffed around by her, almost a decade on. Some people are just fundamentally bad in their energies, and you have no obligation to them.
I like ‘nee’s suggestion. Steadily exclude each individual who fails to heed your request to ask first, and those who do heed you can be told diplomatically, with minimal fallout. People have told me in the past, it is not an issue.
If you have to see the problem child in other situations, very firmly draw your boundaries with perhaps one or two other people around, along with your justifications, and insist that she oblige, so you can civilly socialise together. If she then infringes upon your boundaries in company, you have reason then and there to have issue with her publically, and people will step in to defend you. If she keeps obviously stepping on you, she will lose the rest of the group’s respect and support.
Give her enough rope to hang herself with, rather than trying to do it yourself. She may or may not choose to oblige.
Good luck, and reject the negative self flagilation crap. You can be just as open to those you want to share with, without having to expose yourself to the ungrateful of the world.
Whatever you do, do it to her face. Discharging firearms included.
My etiquette guide implies the following:
If she does come to your party, treat her with the respect due to a guest, (which I know you will, ’cause you’re a good hostess and a lady to boot).
But guests have a certain degree of responsibility too. If she fucks up, ask her firmly and politely to leave. Do not back down. You do not have to give an explanation why you’re booting her.
If this individual has any moral integrity, she will offer an apology within a period of days. If not, she’ll be angry with you and try to turn mutual friends against you.
Any that spurn you because of this are no loss to you. Period. Worthy ones will realise that you are in the right.
Maintain your dignity. Be honest at all times. Be the better person.
And if all else fails, gouge her eye out with a broken rum bottle.
I have been the person uninvited. It has been done to me directly which I was fine with, it has been done to me secretly, behind my back by everybody I loved who were subtly let know I was no longer welcome at a bunch of parties over five months of crap that has scarred me and removed my ability to trust people, possibly for life. If you ever wondered why I have problems with bitching behind people’s backs, that’s why. So, I agree with the person above me who said whatever you do, do it to her face. Try your best to be tactful: it’s not easy to hear.
Compassion and honesty are not mutually exclusive. Is it, however a true challenge.
If this person put my property and peace of mind in jeopardy, I would feel obliged to have the one-on-one conversation that explained the behaviour that was inappropriate and that she wasn’t welcome in my home in future, whilst trying to emphasize that this was between the two of us and not a condemnation of her in totality…unless she actually was thieving, backstabbing and generally a problem for very close friends, in which case I would go in to bat for them too. Because I am a meddling bossy boots who feels obliged to quell selfish and dangerous behaviour when people can’t seem to control themselves.
And because non-action leaves the non-verbal rejection signals floating in possible confusion, which could exacerbate her bad behaviour or simply extend the misery of coming to grips with the situation. I don’t like keeping things from people, I think it’s better to say something even if you don’t barr her from your home.
Its an unpleasant situation to deal with, but I would suggest that perhaps a heartfelt and honest run down from you, even if not well received initially, could be the turning point for her – or smooth the way for a similar conversation down the track by another friend, acquaintance or family member when the light does finally go on.
I agree with hobbes. Make the party invite only, and people who have not got a physical invite or a verbal one from you directly need to be vouched for by soeone and approved by you.
It is your house and your party, you should feel respected and at home, for heavens sake!
Perhaps no one has actually told this person her behaviour is unacceptable directly. You should definately confront her about damage to your house. I know that sounds hard, but it sounds like it is something you need to do. If you cant explain to her how you feel, then you are lying to yourself and to her and YOU deserve better.
If you don’t like her. Don’t invite her. Don’t allow her to show up. Dont allow her in your house if you don’t want to.
I half posted this yesterday, but additionally: Honesty. Directly. To her, preferably not in public the first time.
Everyone has said the same thing. Tell Her. Don’t let her hear it second hand, say it duirectly honestly and as respectfully as you can. Have friends in the wings to collapse on afterwards.
Wosrt thing in the world it to suspect that no one likes you but no one actually tells you. Sometimes it is hard to do (been on both ends of this situation) and sometimes it is damn near impossible due to circumstances to actually have the conversation, and it may take a few months to engineer – but you need to do it at some point, even if it is not you because you are not able to for some reason, but a good friend who feels the same way as you and can explain their point of view and yours and why you cannot tell them yourself. The latter is a bit of a cop out, but sometimes we cant help that.
She needs to know.