Back in November, I wrote that I felt balance returning to life and that I had a new job. Turns out, that was the end of balance. I have been having all sorts of Tupperware adventures, documenting the gradual organisation of our kitchen and the discoveries along the way. I have been doing cooking demo parties and custom kitchen make-overs and having a lot of fun with it. The photos remain on my phone and camera however, and the posts in my head because I’ve had no time to put them together into posts.
It was all going along so well initially…crazy, with lots to learn and minimum time to devote to learning but my organisation at home increased as I made things work so that I could go out to work on evenings and weekends.
Four months on and I have managed to completely burn myself out without even realising it was happening. The crazy busy never stopped. The time for blogging and photography was only available at the cost of sleep and I have reached the point where something has to give. Something other than my sanity or my own personal time, which has already been sacrificed, not to the benefit of any of us. I thought that I might be biting off more than I could chew and it turns out I was very right. Sadly so.
For me, our current combination of Stuff Going On is unsustainable, and became drastically so once we moved out of our home. For the record, our current Stuff Going On includes: me being a stay at home mum, R working full-time and studying MBA part-time, living with R’s folks (sort-of) while our house gets renovated, running Master Z to four activities a week, R or I returning home every day to feed our cats, R and/or I chasing up builder/doing the stuff we need to do for house reno. Add in to the mix no running for either of us right now and no suitable alternative found yet, resulting in weight gain and lack of happy hormones. Plus a new knee issue for me this year – no kneeling, squatting or sitting cross-legged, and a bit of R.I.C.E will fix it up in no time….uh-huh.
I have hit a wall this past week. Actually about three walls: physical, emotional and mental. And now I feel like I am failing at everything, forgetting everything and have become a stressed, impatient, grumpy mummy, a teary, angry, brain-dead wife and an absent friend (So many new babies since January and I have visited exactly none so far).
Time for some changes.
I need to:
Reduce Stress -> I am reducing the number of Tupperware parties and taking a break from the weekly sales meetings. At this time, that’s the only thing that can be changed. Also, start meditating, again.
Exercise -> Time to bite the bullet and utilise the creche facilities local swimming pools so I can go swimming during the week. I’ve been very hesitant to just leave Master Z there because we haven’t done it before. He has not yet been left with carers that he does not already know. It is a really scary step for me, just being worried about how he will react, but a friend pointed out to me yesterday that it will only get harder the older he gets. I have found a friend who is interested in the idea as well, whose daughter Master Z knows, so may even be able to work out a creche/swim/cafe playdate on a regular basis. That would be so lovely. Also, time to collect my bike, get a bike seat on it and start taking Master z for rides around Exhibition Gardens.
Have ‘me’ time -> Use 3-4 evenings a week for blogging and photo editing/sorting. Use one evening a week to get out of the house, be it for a ride, walk or to catch up with a friend. Actually take someone up on their offer to help during the week and again get over the hurdle (for me) of leaving Master Z with someone else for an hour or two.
Get knee fixed -> Saw a new dr on Friday, had an MRI on Wednesday, will hopefully have a plan of action soon.
I can feel that it’s going to take a bit of time to regain energy and resilience again. It took a while to get to this point so it would be naive to expect that all it will take is one good session of ‘me’ time or a ride on my bike to get back to feeling right in myself again. It feels good to have a plan though, and to have recognised that I can’t keep up at this pace, and to have the reality check of what matters most in my life right now, and that is my family, and being the best mum that I can be. To do that, and to fully enjoy and engage with my family, I need to be happy and I need to be able to look after myself as well, even if it does feel like a chore sometimes.
