the best attempts are made…

whitmanschild came over to chat yesterday, then we went to a pub quiz that was being held – I went to say hi to leafstan and anyone else I might know. What a culture shock. After the last three weeks of being surrounded by close friends, by the social group I’m most comfortable with, it was really disconcerting being around ‘mainstream’ stuff again. Small chitchat, no deep connections, very little shared history. Big crashing waves of homesickness abounded, leaving behind floods of doubts. A third year here is just that much more time away. But even then, I plan to be away longer, much longer. My current dreams don’t see me settling back in Melbourne for 5-10 years. My dreams are always flexible and, as anyone who has known me for longer than two years can attest, change relatively frequently. However, I can’t see my dream of living around the world changing, given it has been with me since early teens, and my desire to travel since I was seven. Part of me would love to return to melbourne, but whenever I seriously consider it, I invariably come across the question “what would I do?”. I don’t think there is anything there for me right now, and I would not be happy to not be working, or to be putting up with dodgy hospitality bosses yet again.
This is the life I choose, and I stand by my choice and know that, for now at least, it is the right one. I am living, and plan to live, my dream. But still there is confusion within me. whitmanschild says he couldn’t live the life I do, and the one I plan to, because it seems so lonely. I often get comments from people asking how I can live like this. I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t need or crave intimacy/affection/close contact with friends. I do, very much. It’s just that I crave travel more. The absolute happiest I’ve ever been is when I’m discovering and learning new places and seeing new points of view. Apart from friends, the two things which give me greatest joy, which just feel right,a part of my being, are travel and photography.

Who am I kidding though. The main point of confusion for me right now is due to stuff what happened during the last week. Too short a time to know what will be, and two years a long time to wait to find out. In the meantime, having returned and feeling so far away again, vows made to self after previous two relationships are being tested.

I am one, really mixed-up kitty cat right now. Thank-you universe, for such a well-timed curveball. Timed, almost precisely I believe, to hit me at the point where I’ve just fully regained my dreams and found myself again after the last major curveball. *listens to spirits chuckling all around*

However tomorrow work will start, and with it my life here will resume and soon I will be pre-occupied enough to not dwell on all the events of the last three weeks constantly. Well, a lot of dwelling will still occur, but not to the point of obsession! 😉